Tuesday, May 13, 2008

How to entertain yourself when you drive to Houston and back in one day

1. Listen to horrendous Christian radio. Change the station after the hip young DJ tells a story about how the tv sitcom she's hooked on isn't good for her heart or spirit.

2. Make a mental list entitled "Things I Just Passed That I Wouldn't See In Massachusetts" (man selling watermelons out of his truck on the side of the highway, twelve churches in a town with a population of 228, etc).

3. Listen to horrendous country radio. Subject yourself to the entirety of a song that includes the rousing refrain "I believe in love / I believe in babies / I believe in Mom and Dad / I believe in you."

4. Admire the wall-to-wall wildflowers in all the fields and median strips. Grudgingly admit that Texas is kinda pretty.

5. Listen to horrendous talk radio, featuring a show on which three insufferable men are interviewed by an only slightly less insufferable girl to determine conclusively what guys REALLY think about breakups, falling in love, what makes a chick good in bed, etc. Pray that they will stop regurgitating stereotypes for just long enough that you stop feeling nauseated. Remind yourself that this is why none of your friends are like the people on the radio.

6. Before you drive home, change out of your respectable conference outfit and into comfier clothes. Feel like a slightly subversive feminazi when you stop for dinner at Subway and remember that you're not wearing a supportive female undergarment.

7. When you pass Blume Lane, amuse yourself by thinking about the time your dad tried to trick you into riding a roller coaster at Disney World by calling it the "Judy Blume ride." Find yourself strangely compelled to turn onto Blume Lane, even though you're pretty sure it's not actually named after your favorite childhood author. Resist compulsion. Slightly regret it later.

8. Come home and watch The Simpsons and Family Guy to wash the bitter taste of Houston out of your mouth. Feel better already.

4 comments:

  1. "the time your dad tried to trick you into riding a roller coaster at Disney World by calling it the "Judy Blume ride.""

    your dad is my official new hero! what would the judy blume ride be?! so many possibilities...

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  2. And audiobooks are sounding better all the time, hmm?

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  3. You left out "Browse the 59 Spanish language radio stations for relief from horrendous talk show station" and also "count the number of fast food restaurants, discount stores, tanning salons, and motorcycle dealerships lining the frontage roads north of Houston." Is there anywhere in the US more tacky than Houston? I don't think so...

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  4. "won't be needing THAT!"

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