Tuesday, February 09, 2010

Haircut Deconstructed

[Editor's note: Oh my god, I just reread this post and it's SO LONG AND BORING. But I'm too lazy to figure out how to make it more entertaining. I'll post something better next time. Cross my heart.]

Another year, another haircut! Maybe when I turn 30 I'll swallow my dirty hippie pride and start paying someone who actually knows what they're doing to cut my hair. In the meantime, I will continue to hack away at my weirdly unpredictable hair, producing weirdly unpredictable haircuts and consoling myself with the negligible amount of money that I didn't actually spend on a stylist. I was in theory trying to grow my hair out, but once it got below my shoulders it got this really annoying shape that I couldn't figure out how to fix, because have I mentioned I don't know anything about cutting hair???? So I made Richard try to fix it, and then I tried to fix it, and in the process it climbed back up to shoulder length again. Oh well. Maybe next time.

So, should you wish to try this at home (not recommended), please be advised that my patented hair-cuttin' procedure takes approximately 4-6 days to complete (since every time I sleep on it and/or take a shower it looks different and I have to give it another trim), and I never know how it's going to turn out until I reach a point when I grow terrified that if I cut anymore it's going to be WAY TOO SHORT. Then I stop.

At least I'm moving up in the world - this time I was equipped with a pair of sharp barbering scissors (as opposed to the dull all-purpose scissors that usually get recruited), an actual comb (as opposed to the vintage tortoiseshell decorative comb with half its teeth broken out that was the closest thing to a non-brush I had until this year) and an ingenious method of looking at the back of my head involving a clothes hanger, a piece of ribbon, two rubber bands, a binder clip, and my hand mirror. I still couldn't manage to see the back of my head WHILE cutting, which was sort of the only reason I put together the whole contraption in the first place, but at least I didn't have to put down the comb and scissors and pick up the hand mirror in between every snip.

So how on earth does one cut hair that's sometime curly and sometimes straightish-wavy? Damned if I know. I just start at the sides and chop off pieces moving backwards until I get to that awkward place at the nape of my neck that I can't actually reach, and then I hand the scissors over to Richard with clear and detailed instructions ("Even it out. I don't know, just cut some. Take small pieces and cut sort of at an angle, so the holes are filled in. Take the top part of the scissors and sort of turn it away when you cut down. WAIT HOW MUCH DID YOU JUST CUT OFF???").

So there you have it. Easy as pie. I don't have any pictures with which to visually entertain you (anyways, I think I'm still at my penultimate trim, I probably have another day or so to go before my haircut emerges fully-formed into the world) so please enjoy this completely unrelated photo of a recent jaunt we took out to Coupland to go dancing for Bill's birthday.


  1. Moms need pictures!

  2. I also demand a picture. And the "clear instructions to Richard" part made me laugh, so there.


  3. LMS, you always know how to make things better.

    And pictures are forthcoming, I promise!!

  4. I, too, found this update very entertaining.